by Neil Vincent Scheck
“Make New Jersey beaches free! No other state makes you pay. This is just crazy.”
“Sorry, little girl, but if you’re fourteen or under, you can’t use the beach unless you pay twelve bucks and wear a wristband. That’s the law. Fifteens and older get in free.”
“But why?”
“Well, the government did a study, and found that kids make most of the mess that needs to be cleaned up, and use more than their share of the lifeguards’ time, so they’re the ones who should be paying, not the adults.”
“That’s not fair!”
“Yeah, well, might makes right. It’s easier to push children around. They don’t have much money. No money, no clout.”
“Not to mention that I’m only three feet tall.”
“That, too.”
“But in other states, the beaches are free for everyone! And twelve dollars is a lot of money to me.”
“It’s a lot of money to a lot of people, honey. Some wait for the badge checkers to go home, so they can swim for free. Most drownings occur then, on unguarded beaches, but they should have thought of that before they decided to be poor.”
“That’s not funny, mister, that’s cruel.”
“Cruel to be kind, kid. If you can’t afford twelve dollars to swim, you shouldn’t spend your time at the beach. You should be working and making something of yourself. Then, when you’ve got your act together, with a nice house and car and bank account, you can come back and laugh along with me at the losers who can’t accept that it costs twelve dollars to use our public beach.”
“But by the time I attain that level of financial security, sir, I’ll be way over fifteen anyway."
“Right, and you won’t have to pay, so what are you whining about? Just fork over the twelve bucks and I’ll slap the band on your wrist.”
“And then I have to wear the slimy thing all day?”
“Or until it falls off in the ocean.”
“Adding more plastic to choke and poison the fish and dolphins and whales who swallow it. Did you know there’s now twenty-one thousand pieces of plastic in the oceans for every human being on earth?”
“Wow, that is a lot! And I have heard that the micro-plastics get in the food chain and poison us now, too.”
“That’s right, old-timer. And this stupid beach badge and wristband system adds more to the mix, for no good reason. A free beach will be so much better for people and marine life, a victory for both personal liberty and social justice, while enhancing efficiency. It will lower spending, and increase overall revenues from the predictable boost to tourism stemming from the positive publicity and good vibes concomitant with the elimination of the discrimination, aggravation, and indignity of the current restrictive system, if the state government would just do the right thing and dedicate a miniscule sliver of its yearly budget to reimbursing the towns for the cost of beach maintenance and lifeguards.”
“Out of the mouth of babes. You know what, you’re right. We can make New Jersey beaches free!”